Wednesday, April 23, 2014

The Individuality of Spiritual Heroism- A response to David Benkof's article


David Benkof has written a very powerful article on Times of Israel. In it, he discusses his experience as a gay man, and his attempt to live a celibate life. I, along with many others, are impressed by his candor, and willingness to share something so personal. His desire to live a religious life, and thus, be “koveish es yitzro”, is nothing short of heroic. This article will, no doubt, be part of the conversation about Orthodoxy and how it deals with homosexuality. That said, I am worried about how this article might be used.

Benkof is very open about his personal life, including his lack of celibacy before he became Orthodox. This alone means that he is not dealing with the same challenge as an Orthodox homosexual who has grown up as an observant Jew. While Benkof's is a great challenge, it can not be denied that it falls short of what is asked of a homosexual man who is not a Ba'al Teshuva. As such, while his story can serve as an inspiration to any Orthodox homosexual who seeks to live a fully observant life, indeed to any Orthodox Jew who seeks to live a fully observant life, it should be read, as the author wishes it to be read, as a personal account of dealing with a challenge, and not as a message of “If I can be successful, anyone can be successful”.

There is a greater concern, which follows upon my first point. I fear that this article will be used by those who suggest that homosexuals can be celibate as a way of criticizing and attacking those who are not. Even if Benkof was a FFB, and had been celibate his whole life, that would not mean that every homosexual man could pass that test, something with which I believe he would agree. If so, what is the message that could apply to any such man, and to all of us who struggle in the inherent battle to channel and/or overcome our Yetzer HaRa?

I would suggest that an aanswer, if not the answer, can be found in the “Michtav MiEliyahu” by by Rav Eliyahu Dessler ZT”L. In an incredibly psychologically profound essay, Rav Dessler discussed the limitations of free will. Although we like to think that we can choose to do anything we want, or refrain from doing so, he suggests our choices are more limited. There are certain sins with which each of us do not struggle. Although I struggle at times to control my anger, I have never been tempted to murder someone who was the object of my anger. Conversely, which I admire the saintliness of the Chofetz Chaim ZT”L, I do not believe that I could completely stop speaking Loshon HaRa at this point in my life. Rav Dessler terms the middle area between the areas that are out of our control, as the “Nekudas HaBechira”, the point at which we can choose to exercise free will. It varies for each person, and it varies throughout a person's life.


We all have spiritual challenges with which we struggle. My test is not your test, and yours is not mine. What might be easy for one person to overcome, takes tremendous heroic restraint for another person to overcome. While there are objective actions which are halachically forbidden, each of us deals with, and responds to those prohibitions with varying levels of success. For those of us who might feel that we have easier tests to overcome, it behooves us to not be smug and tell others with tougher tests how they must think and behave. Benkof, in writing a first person narrative, has avoided telling homosexual men how to to deal with their challenges. It behooves the rest of us to follow his lead.

8 comments:

  1. I know of people who similarly struggle against their natural instincts in having adulterous relationships. Many are successful. But we cannot hold that against those who are not as successful in avoiding adultery.

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    1. Moe, the fact that you can make such a silly and illogical comparison, shows an unfortunate inability to empathize with the challenges of another human being.

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    2. Pesach, I'm afraid it is your unfortunate lack of empathy with the challenges of other human beings whose sexual tendencies and instincts direct them towards having multiple adulterous relationships is something that needs working on. It is the same empathy we are told we must show for our homosexual brethren whose natural instincts is to have homosexual relationships.

      And mind you most with those tendencies are successful in avoiding adulterous relationships! But we must not use that against the less successful among them.

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    3. Moe, it's easy to be unkind and ungenerous when you don't use your real name and picture. I pray you receive more kindness when you experience your own spiritual and religious tests.

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  2. I personally can't see wanting to be in a relationship with another person as an example of "yetzer hara" but I admire your and others' willingness to think about people with different views/lives/inclinations as having full humanity. This is really important in any debate, but is sorely lacking in some of these areas many of us have a lot of emotion about. I am glad there's a recognition of gays' existence, but still see their role in the Orthodox Jewish community as strained if they can't have a relationship and are supposedly filled with extra "yetzer hara" they're always fighting.

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    1. I'm not suggesting the desire for a loving relationship is yetzer hara, although I would say that about the physical aspect, if it's a forbidden relationship.

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  3. Pesach, your comments are spot-on. Everything you say I believe I actually believe. That's more than I can say about many people who enjoy communicating "my" thoughts!

    I would add that it's important to think about how those who cannot be celibate should handle that inability, and I devoted a good chunk of my essay to that question. I fear that people who read your post will assume that you think those who cannot be celibate should come out of the closet and have a gay marriage, and it's my hunch you don't think that.

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    1. Hi David, thanks for your comment. I'm sure today has been a long and complicated day for you. I'm glad I got things right.

      I am certainly not advocating for gay marriage. I am advocating for recognition of the fact that we face spiritual and religious challenges, only some of which we pass.

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