When I was in my twenties,
I came up with the goal of “finishing” Shas by the time I was 40.
Although I had a long way to go, I had finally reached the point
where I could make a leining on my own, and I had discovered the joys
of bekiyus. I am nearly 43 years old and I failed to reach my goal.
Sure I made progress, completing a number of masechtos of gemara,
with chavrusas and through Daf Yomi, but I reached my 40th
birthday having gone through less than half of Shas.
Although it was too late
to reach my arbitrary goal, I started doing Daf Yomi again, nearly
two years ago. Despite the philosophical struggles with which I was
dealing at the time, or maybe because of them, I kept up with the
schedule on a nearly perfect basis, falling behind less than a
handful of times. I enjoyed the learning, picked up a lot of ideas
and insights, and started to imagine that I could attend the next
Siyum HaShas, as a misayem, and not just a spectator, as I had been
at the last one. Then, during my recent trip to Israel, I stopped
doing the daf. Not a temporary break, and maybe not forever, but
certainly for the foreseeable future. Although I was sorry to stop, I
knew it had to be done.
For a long time, I've
struggled with davening. Although part of the struggle was due to my
difficulty keeping my mind from wandering, I sensed however, that
that was a result of my lack of connecting with tefillah, rather than
the reason for my struggles. I couldn't make sense of what tefillah
was supposed to be about. It seemed silly and superficial to believe
that davening was a way to “get stuff” from God, but I had a hard
time getting past that. Besides, if that was the goal, I was either
really bad at achieving it, or God just really didn't like me. I came
across those who suggested other ideas, most commonly, that fefillah
was a form of self-judgement. Although that made some sense to me, it
just didn't click with me. Davening became a greater and greater
burden in my life. I started learning during davening, not out of
piety, but as an attempt to pass the time without thinking about my
inability to connect to prayer. Nearly every morning, I completed the
Daf during Shacharis. It
wasn't that I thought this would help me daven better. Essentially, I
was giving up. Then, with the help of some friends and some
self-reflection, I realized I was approaching things the wrong way.
What is the goal of
spending time with your spouse? What does your friend give you that
makes it worthwhile to spend time with them? Intuitively, we
recognize the shallow absurdity of these questions. Still, in my
mind, I had been asking the same sort of question about God. What do
I get for davening? What's in it for me?
The main part of each
tefillah, the part we call the Shemoneh Esrei, is more properly
called the Amidah, or even better yet, Amidah Lifnei HaMakom,
standing before God (interestingly called The Place). Many of the
ritual parts of the Amidah are to help us feel that it is just the
two of us, me and God, me in God's presence, God, as a presence in my
life. Included in this, is how we stand, our posture, bowing and so
much more. The goal is to just be there in a Shir HaShirim-lovers
sort of way. Not out of compunction, habit or law, but out of love.
Sometimes of course that's difficult if not impossible. Sometimes we
feel so angry, frustrated or sad, that we hardly want to talk. Surely
we've experienced the same feelings in the midst of our most
important relationships. We are still asked not to, and are hopefully
unable to, negate the one we love, our spouse, and friend. Tefillah
at that moment takes on a different tone, but still, we stand
together, and communicate, however imperfectly.
I miss the constancy and
companionship of doing the daf and I don't know whether I will ever
finish Shas, but I do know that I have no desire to so at the expense
of my davening. While learning Torah connects my intellect to God,
it is through davening that I most closely feel His presence.
Post by Pesach Sommer.
Post by Pesach Sommer.
Pesach, this was very well worded. Connected during davening is a struggle I also deal with. I found Rav Reuven Leuchter's sefer on tefillah to be a lifesaver. Glad you posted this.
ReplyDeleteNeil, thank you so much. What's the name of the sefer?
DeleteYet another insightful, heart-warming and inspirational piece. Davening is a life-long skill that we are all challenged to stregthen each and every day. Your assessment of Daf vs. Davening is spot on. We should all be as wise as you to dedicate more time, energy and attention to this most sacred and life-altering activity. Reb Pesach - incredible job!
ReplyDeleteRabbi Bernstein,
DeleteThank you for your kind words and continued encouragement.