To begin Again?- A different approach for Elul based on the Piaseczna Rebbe

As we reach the end of 5758, as the last few days of Elul approach, those of us who are not so young, and who have seen their share of Elul commitments come and go, way too often not successfully, have to ask ourselves, what we are doing here. Is this just another charade where we say the necessary words of penance, and pretend things will be different this time? Can we really approach the Yamim Noraim honestly with a sense that we may yet become something more?

I have been deeply affected, perhaps more than by any other sefer of the Piaseczna Rebbe, by Tzav V’Ziruz. The short statements he wrote in his spiritual diary between 1926 and 1939 almost always speak deeply to me. Sometimes, his words feel like a cup of cold water splashed across my face, forcing me to sit up and take notice. They wake me up and bring to my attention ways that I think of the world, that I might not even consciously be aware of, and how they affect my relationship with HKBH. There is something about the nature of this work which has caused my chavrusa and me to move more slowly than we did with his other sefarim, as we try to make sure that we understand the full implications of his words.

There’s something else about this work that gives it such a hold over me. The Rebbe wrote these words beginning in his late thirties until he was in his early fifties. It is, if I may say so, the Torah of the midlife crisis. Torah written for those who are not so young, and who have faced their share of failures and disappointments. I suspect that a different sefer may have grabbed me, if I learned his Torah when I was in my twenties. Which brings us to a small Torah which my chavrusa and I learned this past Shabbos.

In Torah 24, the Rebbe speaks about the danger of having spiritual desires and aspirations, without having a real plan for implementing them. While one might think that spiritual goals are inherently valuable, he notes that without a way of trying to concretize them, it is likely that they will never happen. Many years of this leads to a sense of despair, that one will never get there. It may even leave one convinced that it’s no longer worth trying to aim for religious greatness.

Here I am just about midway between the age that the Rebbe wrote the first and last words in this sefer. As always, I wonder how someone of his greatness can know so well what lies deep within someone like me. At times, I’ve dreamed big in terms of learning goals, davening goals, middos goals, in a word of teshuva. I’ve wanted to become more than I am, certain, or at least hopeful, that I’m nowhere near where I could be. If I’m honest, most years my Elul plans come to naught. I daven, I plead, I apologize, both to God and to other people, and, much more often than not, little has changed by the end of the year. There are years where I wonder if it’s even worth trying.

In the Rebbe’s words, I received a challenge. Marching orders as it were. I’m never going to get my teenagers years back to redo. Same thing for my time in yeshiva and kollel, or the early years of my marriage or as a father. Still, God willing, I have many more years ahead of me. I can continue as I’ve always done, and foolishly imagine that the results may be different. Or, if I’m brave enough, I can continue to dream big, and this time try more carefully to come up with a plan. To really work on it, so that next Elul, and, BEH, in ten years, twenty years, and for as many years as I’m blessed with, I’m not left wondering what might have been. Thanks to a small piece in Tzav V’Ziruz, I’m once again able to dream, and to begin again