The Unwanted Teacher- Some final thoughts on my hospitalization and recovery

There’s a part of me that just wants to move on from my experiences of the past two and a half weeks. Yesterday, I went for my follow-up at the doctor and I’ve pretty much recovered. Still, I know that completely moving on would be a mistake.

I need to hold onto this experience. The pain, discomfort, and particularly the dis-ease I had with being somewhat dis-abled, even for such a short period of time, all of it can teach me something. It’s not just that I have to take better care of myself, although that’s certainly true. Between the kidney stone, and the return of my diabetes, there’s no more pretending that my health is fine. I can no longer, kind of, sort of, almost, begin to get back to healthy eating and exercising. As the Piaseczna Rebbe writes, my yetzer hara is trying to kill me, and pretending otherwise is futile, even insane.

There’s more, however. The issues with which I am dealing are not something rare and unexpected. They are fairly common for men my age. What’s affected me more than anything is the confrontation with the fact that I’m getting older. These maladies are in line with the muscle soreness I get after long car rides, and the general krechtzing I produce when picking things up off the floor. There’s a certain phenomenon, prevalent in Western society, of claiming that age is just a number. It comes with slogans like “Sixty is the new forty”. It’s cute as far as it goes, but that’s it. Age can be slowed down a bit, but not escaped.

If I’m honest with myself, I’m almost certainly on the back nine of life’s golf course. I don’t say that that to be maudlin or depressing. It’s important to face the fact that I will not live forever. That I don’t have forever to fix all of the interpersonal and religious flaws and weaknesses which I want to address.

I’m not trying to be melodramatic, or to make more of this than it is. It was pretty humbling to hear from a college student who has had to do deal with something more serious and of a much longer duration of time, who related to what I wrote, after I shared my initial thoughts. He shared his story, and it helped put things in perspective.

I see this experience as a teacher, albeit, an unwanted one. Among the lessons I’ve learned are to address my health, and to try and say Asher Yatzar with kavana, while recognizing that I should not take the ability to stand before God, or even the ability to stand pain free for granted.  Finally, it’s a reminder to not pretend that I have forever to become the person I may yet be. I hope and pray that I’ve learned what I need to, and in doing so, that I pass this test.