David Benkof has written a
very powerful article on Times of Israel. In it, he discusses his
experience as a gay man, and his attempt to live a celibate life. I,
along with many others, are impressed by his candor, and willingness
to share something so personal. His desire to live a religious life,
and thus, be “koveish es yitzro”, is nothing short of heroic.
This article will, no doubt, be part of the conversation about
Orthodoxy and how it deals with homosexuality. That said, I am
worried about how this article might be used.
Benkof is very open about
his personal life, including his lack of celibacy before he became
Orthodox. This alone means that he is not dealing with the same
challenge as an Orthodox homosexual who has grown up as an observant
Jew. While Benkof's is a great challenge, it can not be denied that
it falls short of what is asked of a homosexual man who is not a
Ba'al Teshuva. As such, while his story can serve as an inspiration
to any Orthodox homosexual who seeks to live a fully observant life,
indeed to any Orthodox Jew who seeks to live a fully observant life,
it should be read, as the author wishes it to be read, as a personal
account of dealing with a challenge, and not as a message of “If I
can be successful, anyone can be successful”.
There is a greater
concern, which follows upon my first point. I fear that this article
will be used by those who suggest that homosexuals can be celibate as
a way of criticizing and attacking those who are not. Even if Benkof
was a FFB, and had been celibate his whole life, that would not mean
that every homosexual man could pass that test, something with which
I believe he would agree. If so, what is the message that could apply
to any such man, and to all of us who struggle in the inherent battle
to channel and/or overcome our Yetzer HaRa?
I would suggest that an
aanswer, if not the
answer, can be found in the “Michtav MiEliyahu” by
by Rav Eliyahu Dessler ZT”L. In an incredibly psychologically
profound essay, Rav Dessler discussed the limitations of free will.
Although we like to think that we can choose to do anything we want,
or refrain from doing so, he suggests our choices are more limited.
There are certain sins with which each of us do not struggle.
Although I struggle at times to control my anger, I have never been
tempted to murder someone who was the object of my anger. Conversely,
which I admire the saintliness of the Chofetz Chaim ZT”L, I do not
believe that I could completely stop speaking Loshon HaRa at this
point in my life. Rav Dessler terms the middle area between the areas
that are out of our control, as the “Nekudas HaBechira”, the
point at which we can choose to exercise free will. It varies for
each person, and it varies throughout a person's life.
We all have spiritual
challenges with which we struggle. My test is not your test, and
yours is not mine. What might be easy for one person to overcome,
takes tremendous heroic restraint for another person to overcome.
While there are objective actions which are halachically forbidden,
each of us deals with, and responds to those prohibitions with
varying levels of success. For those of us who might feel that we
have easier tests to overcome, it behooves us to not be smug and tell
others with tougher tests how they must think and behave. Benkof, in
writing a first person narrative, has avoided telling homosexual men
how to to deal with their challenges. It behooves the rest of us to
follow his lead.
Post by Pesach Sommer.
