Thanks to a wonderful
shiur I listened to on Friday, I headed into Shabbos and Yom Tov with strong
expectations. Rav Ami Silver gave over a derasha from Derech HaMelech, which
the Piaseczna Rebbe first delivered nearly 90 years ago. I went into Shabbos
wanting to learn through the rebbe’s words on my own, as I strongly wanted to
internalize the message. It took a few times going over it, but eventually I
was able to reconnect with the message of the derasha. I was deeply moved by
the idea that Kabbalas HaTorah is something which re-occurs throughout time,
and that we need to see ourselves as having something worthy to merge with the
Torah, rather than accepting it passively. The part which touched me the most
was the idea that we must dig down within ourselves, in our own “dirt” to
discover that even there, we connect with the Ribbono Shel Olam.
Over the chag, I
continued to learn from the Derech HaMelech, as well as from Rav Kook’s Midbar
Shur. Combined with the time I spent with family, and the learning I did with
several of our children, Shavuos was a deeply meaningful experience. I truly
felt that it was a personal Z’man Matan Toraseinu.
Just as suddenly, as I
went from Yom Tov to chol, the experience disappeared. I remember the words,
and the ideas they conveyed, but I can no longer access them. Even as today is
Iseru Chag, the day when we are to bind the experiences of the yom tov to our
lives, the switch from kodesh to chol is too dramatic. While I try and pass it
off as being a product of physical and mental exhaustion, it seems to me that
something else is going on. As I stood at the base of Har Sinai, I could
imagine finding the holy within dirt, even within my own. Now, having traveled
on, my imagination fails, and this profound teaching has reverted to just an
intellectual concept.
I better understand how
40 days after Kabbalas HaTorah there can be a Cheit HaEigel. To receive the Torah
is an avodah, but to bring it with you from Har Sinai is a greater one, and
right now I don’t know how to do that.
